my fridge door page scares me November 29, 2007

what’s on your fridge door? my new one is unadorned except for the Thank You card my sister sent after her wedding.

my last one was covered entirely in newspaper cutouts: editorials, cartoons, images; provocative, political; an outward expression of the internal jumble in my head.

my favourite was a collage; originally a half-page, full-colour broadsheet image of former PM Paul Martin aka Mr. Dithers with his face straining to approximate confidence and his arms stiffly raised in something vaguely resembling victory. Across his chest I stuck a headline cut out from that day’s Vancouver Sun: PM refuses to legalize prostitution. I had filled the background above his outstretched arms and head with the scrawled names of all 70 of Vancouver’s Missing Women and entitled the piece Vancouver’s Forgotten and Missing Women.

that’s what i hope this page will become; a fridge door where i can post the images that affect me and try to communicate why they do. i had hoped to take some of these images myself. i’m not authority but, for me anyway, that’s the point. what i find most intersting about photography is the different ways the same image can affect people. my all-time favourite date ever is a photo-safari; two people; two cameras, photographing the same objects in their own personal ways.

good intentions; but there’s a problem - i am afraid of picking up my camera. this has never happened before and i’m scared.

UPDATE:

as always a day or two brings better perspective. maybe i’m not afraid, maybe i’m unfufilled. my current camera situation is: an amazing (but film) Nikon and a Sony Cybershot DSCN-2 ; good cameras, but i think it’s time for a digital SLR.  damn mortgage!!

is it just me or…??? November 26, 2007

i am grateful for November 26, 2007

- robyn/david/trouble/sanj/M&D

- my awakening/freedom/brain/bravery

- new old friends

- redemption from the Stir-Fry Stew Casserole disaster with zucchini crust roasted pepper pizza

- roberto luongo

- mountains outside my window and sunny vancouver sundays

- all my chances; even / especially the ones i wasted

redemption: e-harmony style November 18, 2007

26 matches! apparently i’m not the biggest freak ever (for this reason, anyway).

after reviewing my harem’s profiles and rejecting all but seven, i was able to choose from 3 different patterns of contact ranging from the most hesitant baby steps to emailing each other directly.

since my last attempt at reaching out and touching someone (online…perv) wasn’t a resounding success i am placing my faith in the system (gulp) and following the trail of breadcrumbs as obediently as i can pretend to be.

I chose Guided Communication, where The Hopeful and Wary inch from sending each other 5 questions, to reviewing the answers, to reviewing Must Haves / Cant Stands then on to the front line: Open Communication.

At any point you can dump by the click of a button, closing the match; rating how much you hate the person on a scale of “somewhat to extremely” and then, GET THIS, sending them a reason - a checked box in a list of “it’s not me it’s you”’s! So far I’ve chosen “other” for the guys who sound sweet and “i’d prefer not to say” for trolls.

My 5 first questions:

- How important is chemistry to you?

- Your idea of adventure is:

- Which of the following things would you rather have lots of (respect, money, fame power)?

- How often do you find yourself laughing?

And the zinger:

- How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills (extremely comfortable, comfortable, working on it, it’s hard work)? what does it say about me that i picked that one strictly for the squirm factor?

Let’s see what Tommy, Jarred, John, Ryan, Ethan, Daniel and Derrick have to say for themselves.

My First Boyfriend and A Dead Man November 15, 2007

A man recently died at YVR after being tasered twice by RCMP officers. at the time the RCMP’s major sound bite repeated verbatim on every newscast: the man was tasered because he was acting aggressively and other people were in danger. A crazed russian wildman (polish, but who’s counting) with wild eyes; foaming at the mouth and threatening the lives of dozens of obedient Airport Improvement Fee Payers, i mean: CITIZENS! (i exaggerate but only slightly.)

today a video shot by an AIFP at the scene was released, only after the AIFP went to court to force the Mounties to give it back (mommie’s don’t teach them to share?). I’ll post it once it hits YouTube so you can see it the way i was pleasantly shocked to see the local 6 o’clock news present it: uncut and unfiltered. If you don’t cry check your heart because that shit is not working.

A man died in our world-renowned, jewel of an airport; in one of Canada’s most faulty-cultural cities - somewhere among the Bill Reid originals - and he died because nobody cared enough to try to understand what he was saying.

After a 15 hour flight, after 10+ hours stuck with no food or water in Canada Customs limbo (doing what, they won’t say because our taxes only fund their salaries) a Polish-speaking man tried to communicate with people and couldn’t. He didn’t know English but his Polish-speaking mother was picking him up. She arrived early, and when he didn’t emerge from Customs she became anxious. She waited for hours; growing agitated and repeatedly visiting the info booth asking for help. after being dismissed several times airport staff finally deemed her concern worthy of response and paged her son; in the public areas only. lost in Custom’s DMZ the page didn’t reach him. his mother left the airport frustrated and angry around the same time her son died.

The video doesn’t show a crazily aggressive KGB maniac - instead a fearful and frustrated man who is tasered within 15 seconds of first interacting with a police officer, while both of his hands are up, palms facing out. A man lying on the floor, handcuffed and seizing, while 3 or 4 officers pin him down, their knees on his back AND TASER HIM AGAIN. He dies.

My first boyfriend was a member of the RCMP and i will never forget what he told me recruits were taught in their lesson about excessive force:

Better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6.

The Stand Up and the Stand Up Guy November 12, 2007

Men don’t even look good on paper anymore; they look good on the screen. Jordan looked GREAT on the screen, or as great as a guy who posts in the “Men Seeking Women” section of Craigslist CAN look. Brown hair, blue eyes (melt), 170, 30 y/o, chill-seeming, low-key, cook at a local restaurant.

After swallowing my pride I email him and we exchange typically-awkward small talk before making plans for coffee Sunday. Long story short: he stood me up. Well, TECHNICALLY he didn’t since he emailed me an hour before we were set to meet to say “What about later on in the week?” but still: LAME, WEAK and in my book a stand-up. A year ago, a month ago, hell - last week; I would have scurried home, tail between freshly-shaven and extra moisturized legs to cry and beat myself up for being too ____ or not ____ enough. Something is changing in my life - maybe i’m finally growing up (at 29).

Instead I stopped at Whip Gallery for take-out and a double amaretto sour (and to not waste my face of fresh makeup, let’s not kid ourselves). There I meet Eric, the ubercute bartender I noticed before. While i wait at the bar for yam fries and perogies we chat / flirt: photography student, shy but secret-hot smile, going to the MIA show at the Commodore, playful and clever, used the word “gentrified” (!) and made me tingle. Yes; down there. He seems sincere and real, funny and sharp. I’ve decided that on Tuesday after work I’ll stop by and ask him out.

Maybe meeting quality people is easier than Can’t Stand lists and a/s/l-holes after all.

I’ll let you know on Tuesday.

e-disharmony November 12, 2007

yes, it has come to this: eharmony, lavalife, craigslist; using bandwith and bits and bytes in an attempt to reach out and touch someone (GET TOUCHED).

after establishing (and abandoning) an eharmony account 6 months ago i filled out my profile this week. my favourite part was the “Must Haves / Can’t Stand” section. first you choose from a long list of traits and values that you can’t do without in a partner. Politics, Honesty, Sense of Humour; check, check, check!

Next are the Can’t Stands. Happily clicking away I fly through the list; Racist, Liar, Cheater, Can’t Stand, Can’t Stand, Can’t Stand! Click the Submit Button.

“You have selected 28 Can’t Stand’s. Please select exactly 10 to continue”

STORY OF MY LIFE.

Where is the Rulebook? November 7, 2007

Salary negotiations are terrifying when you have no objective idea of your self-worth. I’m historically unable to judge my (insert ability, skill, talent, WEIGHT here) against other people. I know I’m a high performer, but i don’t really KNOW that, I only know that people keep saying it and it sort of just keeps happening.

I negotiated a raise for myself earlier this year and ended up getting 20% and being able to buy a condo. Now I’m feeling stifled, ready to move on and make a bigger contribution. I’m looking for a challenge, and I want to feel that what I do is important.

My astrologist says…YES my astrologist. Not the kind with a caftan and a parrot on her shoulder peering squinting her overly-eyelinered eyes into a cracked glass ball. Marielle has a 2-month waiting list of well-respected businesspeople clients (and me) and, more importantly, meeting her felt better than any therapy or workout ever has. Except hot yoga with hotter Edison in White Rock but let’s not start. Anyway, she has a perfect explanation of why i can only see the things I haven’t accomplished or achieved and can’t judge my worth.

She ALSO says that, from the ages of 36 - 42 I will own a smashingly successful business and that this is the year I begin moving towards that direction. Saturn Return; apparently.

I wonder if Marielle Croft does career planning too?

Danger November 6, 2007

I’ve become a bit obsessed with the rash of shootings in Vancouver. This GVRD / Metro-Whatever may be tripping over its boots to become a big city but it feels like a very small town when people are dying.

Three black handgun icons threateningly encircle my neighbourhood on the online map CBC News uses to illustrate the cluster of shootings. The map tells me its a dangerous neighbourhood: Fortune Happiness Restaurant, VCC, West 10th are all within blocks. Almost 10 people murdered, some of them “known to police”, “targeted” . Others “innocent” bystanders but I’m not sure exactly who determines that. Dangerous? Tell my realtor, my mortgage payment, my property taxes.

Main Street is a bit rough around the edges but knowing what to avoid is simple here. The man holding one shoe walking down the street talking to himself? Don’t ask him for directions, he has bigger problems to worry about than you finding the quickest way to Habit. On Main Street you know what you’re dealing with.

It’s in the middle of Robson Street, dodging Escalades with squealing spinners, when you need to wonder which Gucci Maniac is carrying something more scandalous than a fake LV wallet in her new bag: her man’s new piece.

True Story.

To Spin: November 6, 2007

to have a sensation of whirling.

You mean, this isn’t normal?